March 2nd.
Dear friends, i love you. i am sorry that i am again forced away from you. one consolation is this is at least one (more) concrete step toward resolution, release, toward my life being my own again. after this spell of incarceratio0n i hope and somewhat expect to have my santa clara probation terminated, leaving me with only one case still active (my minnesota conviction which is in the beginning of the appeals process). there is an outside chance that i could be off all probation in the relative future.
for those wondering, i did not expect to be here in santa clara county jail this long. i have been led (and wanted) to believe that this would be a fairly simple and straightforward thing. come turn myself in, do a bit of time, go to court and get out. i should’ve known better. i’m waiting for my next court date which is March 26th (?) at which point i expect to find out if i’ll get out with time served or exactly how much time i have to do. i really hope to be released but i am not building any towers to fall from. my stress level is considerably lower due to the support of….so many friends, as well as the efforts of dan mayfield, my attorney. i am very thankful to have him in my corner. santa clara, i am finding out, is a county with overloaded public defenders (people facing misdemeanors aren’t even provided one at their arraignments), an overworked and harsh probation office, and a particularly nasty prosecutor. every story i have heard here is bad, people getting screwed, more jail time and prison sentences than other places. my time in the ramsey county workhouse makes being here both easier and more difficult. easier in that i have experience being in jail, a part of me being used to it in this way that also includes the shuttering of windows of self. to be okay in here aspects of me are shut down, buried, and this is why the proximity to my last incarceration is uniquely difficult: i was only just beginning to unravel again. i carry a lot of pain from the last year/year and a half, you could call it trauma, and it affects me in ways i both understand and don’t. it hurts to be here now, to be in california for the longest period of time since i left in 2008 and be forced here still isolated, still distant in ways. i look forward to getting to the pain and letting it out after my release. while i am hurt i do not accept the role of victim. instead i choose survivor, to hold the strength it takes to deal with these situations. i ask for your help in keeping this perspective. please allow me my pain and uncertainty in time to come, but also challenge me to use my experiences as inspiration, for growth. i hate this, but there is more to life than hate.
in regards to my current situation, i am in the same general facility i was in back in 2006 (Elmwood) but one security level higher. i am in M2-C, which is one large room with 36 double bunks paralleling each other: two rows of eight along the “east” wall and two along the “west” wall. people come and go regularly though many folks seem to be here for a while. the bunks are probably how you imagine them, hard metal, and our bed pads are thin and often ripped or misshapen. each inmate is given one towel, one blanket, two sheets, socks, underwear, an undershirt, and pants and an overshirt. all are varying shades of green. we’re given a pair of orange sandals that are often broken and you can order white slip-on shoes for $10 on canteen.
there are phones lining the “east” wall that can be used from 7 am to 11 pm (give or take). on the west wall is the english t.v., clock, bulletin board and hot water pot (a multiple gallon plug-in water heater with a top that is turned upside down and used to heat food). between the walls are eight tables with eight metal stool seats each. there are sinks on the “north” wall beyond the tables, and toilets and the shower. between the rows of bunks, past the tables on the other side, in the middle is the workout area. it is just a short walled in open area with a pullup-dip-legraise-whatever-you-can-do-on-it metal workout thing, four moveable card tables and in the middle of the “south” wall the spanish t.v. plastic chairs are here and there for use, and clouded skylights with bars before them line the ceiling giving filtered natural light. guards sit behind glass near the locked double doored entryway. they mostly leave us be — a relationship similar to that which existed in ramsey county.
the inmates are self organized into racial “cars” that carry certain rules but are overall not terribly inhibiting (as far as i can tell). no one group dominates space or is treated overly preferentially by the COs [correctional officers], nor is any group subjugated to a severe degree. i do not claim to have a very firm grasp on it all. respect seems present if not pervasive, but who knows what lies under socially enforced tolerance.
there are many spanish speakers, a good number of people waiting to be deported. i have been learning bits of spanish primarily from my friend G. it is slow, but at least i’m starting (learning spanish has been on my to do list for nearly a decade). i enjoy listening to the language roll around, especially when it comes in bouncing melodies or sweet serenades (i have never been so fond of the spanish pop song). hopefully a spanish language workbook will make it here soon so i can get even more out of being surrounded by spanish [one did arrive, in fact]. i’ve received three letters so far, which has been really nice. mail call here is at night an hour or two before we have to clear the day room (~10:30-11:00 pm). i know the lack of expectation of me being here this long has probably created a lag in correspondence, and hopefully i only have the three weeks left. thank you to all who have and are writing.
i have had three visits so far, and as you probably already know am allowed one per week and one per weekend. they are through a phone and a glass window, which is way better than the video visits in ramsey co. today friend and i could feel the warmth of each other’s hand through the glass.
overall i am doing well, all things considered. it is really hard but i am trying to remain healthy physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. i miss minnesota. i really hope i get back before winter is over. missing the season changes doesn’t feel good (it is my last chance to play in the snow too!) i miss jasper. i feel lucky and so grateful for those who are helping take care of him. i am lucky to have so many amazing people in my life. a lot of people in here do not have friends like i do. i want everyone to know i take that seriously, and not for granted. it is strange being so close to santa cruz yet to still be “living”, to have my room and all, in the midwest.
there is always more to say, more to learn, more to do, such is life. i look forward to it. i am no stronger than any of you, and i know i’ll come through this stronger. this is not the beginning or the end, but another story of life. i am glad to share it with you. to be continued…
<3 jesse james
some thoughts for friends. feb. 28th sun.
at different times i feel the weight of each day. in repetition. for example, tomorrow is the first day of march, and i will be in here for the majority of it, and when that is compounded with the slow drawl of each day i feel crazy. this box is crazy.
i sleep later than i want and don’t get up to work out when i want to and either way my body just doesn’t do well with these stiff uneven beds, metal stool-seats and concrete floor. i ache in complex ways.
today i played handball for the first time and had a lot of fun. people gave me some credit for being a beginner (i wasn’t very good) and we all laughed at times. my hand is now swollen though, something i wasn’t expecting, and i have to balance pushing my body and allowing it room to recover from pain.
i’m tired most of the time but don’t want to sleep too much. i’ve been talking, playing dominos and learning spanish from my friend G. he’s in for stealing an ipod from frys. he’s mexican but has lived here for 20 years, and now faces deportation. we talk about race and theft, love and our general personal/social beliefs. he has a good heart and is respectful. he gets some shit from the paisans — the spanish speaking mexicans & mexican-americans — because he speaks mostly english and doesn’t sit at the paisan table.
today i read an article in the san jose mercury news about the “take back santa cruz” (or whatever) event, they called it “passive loitering” or something [positive loitering], and there was a picture with friends in it. i felt a happiness spread through me as i identified maybe six familiar faces in this random newspaper article. i know y’all probably didn’t/don’t want to be in the paper but at least it reached me! it was funny to read about something J had already told me about. the article wasn’t terrible and quoted something off indybay but also printed a quote from TBSC calling the anti-police sentiment “hate” talk. err…
i miss you all.